Looking to hack the life out of your blog? I got your back.

This is how I went from 2,281 monthly visitors to 558 monthly visitors in 12 months. (Crying yet? You will soon.)

But before we dive into this priceless tutorial, first a definition of “killing.”

Killing your blog sounds easy. Just stop blogging!

Wrong.

To kill your blog you must destroy it so completely that it can’t be resurrected. Moreover, your reputation as a blogger must die too. Your readers must unsubscribe (MOST of them). And you must be thoroughly forgotten.

Are we in agreement on this? Good.

Now, let’s dive into the steps.

1. Allow creeps to destroy your work

The Internet is a wild place where in every corner lurks some creep. That creep is looking to tear down your work, JUST BECAUSE.

As soon as you say something worthy of destroying, here they come.

How to aide them:

1. Fall for their manipulative tactics and allow them to dictate what to write about.

2. React emotionally to their comments instead of blocking them.

3. Argue until you’re both blue in the face.

4. Get discouraged and stop blogging.

5. Ignore them (the best tip YET—try it and see what happens).

2. Ignore SEO, link-building, outreach, and other confusing marketing terms

SEO and link-building and outreach are fancy marketing terms that writers don’t need to understand.

We’re writers, right? Our job is to write, for Christ’s sake.

Then why spend time studying this?

Exactly.

How to start your ignorance:

1. Stop watching your blog’s traffic spikes. What’s the point? You know it’ll fall again.

2. Resist advice from other successful and well-meaning bloggers (until they bugger off).

3. Don’t read any guides on how to improve your blog’s traffic.

4. Believe your writing is so good, one day they’ll come on their own—and they’ll come in DROVES (oh, sweet delusion).

5. Find other writers whose blog traffic sucks and form a misery club, to not feel so alone.

In case you are (Oh heavens!) interested in those terms (Are you sure you’re not running a fever?), there is NO ONE BETTER than The Ahrefs Blog to teach you. I swear it. On the blood of my enemies. Really.

But let’s continue with our list here.

3. Blog spontaneously about what interests YOU, not your audience

Internet audience is fickle. They prefer cat pictures and cooking videos to your blog anyway, so why bother?

Inspiration is what lifts your mood. It’s what gets you typing.

Then type.

(Only after you get inspired, of course.)

Here is how to start:

1. Practice being attuned to your moods and capture them in rambling, emotional posts.

2. Spill personal details that are better kept private.

3. Write not to be useful (to hell with that), but for your indulgence.

4. Switch from one topic to another so as to confuse your readers on why they’d want to read your blog.

5. Vary your post length from ultra-short like 50 words to ultra-long like 5,000 words.

I could go on with this list. But so we can move on, here is just a handful more of “NEVER-DOS”: Never check the competition. Never research headlines. Never outline your posts. Never get feedback. Never update old content. Never bother to edit.

4. Slam your readers with walls of text

Compact, written word looks so beautiful in books. Pages and pages of black squiggles!

Of course, writing is the same everywhere, be it books or blogs. No need to format it differently just because it’s a post, not a page in the book.

How to start:

1. Forget formatting. Simply type.

2. And type.

3. And type.

4. Publish as is.

5. Marvel at your dropping subscriber numbers. (They’re too lazy to read your masterpiece! Good riddance!!!)

5. Write randomly without a schedule

A schedule is for math people. It’s restraining. We writers like creative freedom. It keeps us CREATIVE.

Agreed?

How to randomize your readers:

1. Get inspired and feverishly blog daily.

2. Lose interest and forget to blog for weeks at a time.

3. Return to blogging sporadically, only to disappear again (also sporadically).

4. Ignore your reader’s request for consistency.

5. Calendars are for boring people. Never use them.

By now you should feel excellent in your ability to kill your blog.

That’s your end goal, right?

I thought so. Therefore, here is a bonus tip to complete the destruction.

6. (BONUS TIP) Botch your health

1. Ignore wrist pain.

2. Don’t take any days off.

3. Keep writing until you get sick, then write some more.

Lessons learned

The above is a proven method that works like a charm. I’ve mastered it.

But you may get cold feet and keep your blog alive. After all, you’ve invested so much time into it! So many words!!!

Fret not.

You have this brilliant tutorial now.

Print it out and DO IT. There is a killer in you. I can feel it…

Still not convinced??

Read this great guide on How to Kill Your Blog in 10 Easy Steps.

Any killing tips I missed? Any blood-chilling questions I can answer? Ask in comments or on Twitter.

P.S.: Got a good laugh? Great! Thank you for appreciating my dark humor and THANK YOU for reading. More darkness…I mean, goodness to come. If you want it weekly in your Inbox, subscribe to my blog and newsletter here.

Got offended? Perhaps it’s time we part ways. You won’t find sunny, happy writing here. Farewell.

Wait…you’re still here and you want more darkness NOW? Fine.

Check out this copycat post How to Kill Your Patreon in 5 Easy Steps (That REALLY Work) and Don’t Read This Newsletter—YOU WILL DIE (really).

Then please go read this life-changing Ahrefs post by Tim Soulo.

Then read this must-read post by Nathan Collier.

Then send me a THANK YOU note.

You’re welcome.